My last full day of school, broken down by class period.
Period 1Period 2
Period 4 (Plan)
Only a half day left.
Period 1Period 2
Period 4 (Plan)
Only a half day left.
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Yeah, this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do ~ Nelly Furtado
It was just a day that was unexpected. I was humiliated by a student today. He had to make a spectacle out of it and it got to me. It really got to me. He apologized later in the day. But it didn’t feel like it was healed. I was caught off guard. I was stunned and powerless. I just sat and stared as if I was in another world like this didn’t just happened. I will be vague with what was spoken because to others it probably wasn’t so bad. But it stung. And I couldn’t help but wear my heart on my sleeve. I hid the water. I did it in private. I lost my shield. Just when I thought it was growing stronger since the last time it went down. I think that’s what is getting to me. I thought I had that strength. I thought I had the backbone. But it seems I’m still easily scarred.
Today has taught me that always expect the unexpected. Learn to deal with it in a logical manner. Today I just in a daze. I feel helpless and wounded. But I know it will get better. It’s about building a better and stronger shield for the next battle to come.
It’s been a hell of a ride for year 3. As I drove home from a hockey game, I thought alot. I thought about how much I have left work at work and home at home. I remember my principal and I discussing the first year and how I needed a balance of work and home. The scale was extremely uneven weighing heavily on the work part. The second year wasn’t any better at best. I remember reading a blog post from Sam Shah about leaving the work over the weekend. And focus on me, myself. Clear my head. Do something fun.
I am happy to say that I’ve gotten to that place now. It took a while, but I feel like I am finally becoming the well-rounded educator I need to be to stay sane in this roller coaster of a career. I know the first semester was tough to step away from the school once in a while. But as second semester is slowly reaching its halfway point, it’s starting to look like I can have a well-balanced life. Yes, I still haven’t reached many of social levels I should be doing. But, I’m finding that social life and the future looks bright.
I can still remember the feeling of prepping the first year and thinking I will never get out of this building. I don’t interact enough. That shell is still holding me back.
Also, I know I have grown as a teacher. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve learned that those mistakes can get me into trouble if my head isn’t thinking clearly. I need to be the adult. I need to know that there are limits. Am I an expert at it? Definitely not. But I’m improving. Honestly, I thought I would never be the person who could have the guts to stand up to anyone. I thought I would be a terrible teacher because I let alot of people walk over me. Experience and time has most certainly given me room to grow.
As these last three months finish up year three, tonight has made me reflect the ups and downs this school year and the previous years have helped me prepare the “educator” in me to have fun for the “person” in me. Continuing on this road, it’s me I need to worry about. I come first. Stepping out of that shell.
As Christmas Break rolls around, I thought I would write a post.
It has been quite a ride from the beginning of the year until now. Things began feeling normal about 2 months ago. Did I overreact in September? Did I stress for no reason? Probably, I don’t know. It’s looking up. Times like now remind me why I love teaching. I don’t know what second semester will bring as I will have three classes in 1 hour again. Thank you admin. I will worry about that later. For now I’m enjoying my time with these kids.
I feel like I’m getting a bit better at handling the classroom management. I get flustered the occasional time sometimes, but I recover by keeping a straight face. I’m not letting there be a chip on my shoulder. I’m leaving it at the moment and not letting it get me down in the day. Kids will say stupid things all the time so I will not let them drag me down because of it.
I’ve realized that it took a lot of time and practice to get to where I am with my classroom management. As I think about my internship days and how I thought it was such a big deal when I had my “first talk in the hallway” with a student. I’ve learned that in this workplace, you need to be quick on your feet to respond these students’ words. To be honest, I’d never thought I would get to where I am now.
I’ve been getting my prep for the next day done right after school so my time after supper is sort of my own time. It’s taken two and half years to finally get to that place where most of the prep work is done. And now I don’t need to be working 24 hours in a day. Sure I still have a ton of crap to do on my list but I’m not prepping for hours. This feels good. I was re-reading my first year posts and remembering how I was stressed with prepping every night. And the mentality that I had back then where I thought I would never get to relax and put my feet up for once.
2013 has taught me a lot about myself and my limits. I learned that I can juggle a lot at once, in terms of students and multiple curriculums in a given period. It also taught me that I am a capable teacher. I’m still not the best teacher out there but I know my stuff. I learned that sometimes the support you need isn’t always the support you want. And the support you turn to is the best vessel to get the frustrations out. I need to reflect more on my practices and my daily struggles or I won’t remember how I handled those stressful situations.
This year I got to meet a whole bunch of great math teachers from around the world who enjoy being connected with one another. It’s a shame I can’t try some of these great things I find because of the rural school I’m in. But you know being in a rural school has taught me that “juggling” skill. So when I do get that single class with no splits it will be a breeze.
And my finally reality check this year, sometimes you just gotta suck it up. Start the next day fresh and leave it be to try and make a good day. Cause no one will be there to sweep that stress under the rug for you, so you just have to face it and learn from it.
To the new year. Here’s to hoping. 2014, bring it.
I’m all like:
So I think I’m going to start blogging monthly. Well, try to anyways.
So, month 1 is almost done. And it wasn’t a great start either. It was a very rough first week for me. I think I was just exhausted. My energy level was way, way down. I cried pretty much everyday for four days. I was so depressed. Had serious thoughts of quitting. I think I couldn’t handle the whole 11 classes thing.. the whole classroom management thing.. and just the thought that I would be doing this until June. I lost my smile. I lost my energy. I was in a serious depression. Thoughts of hurting myself was in consideration just to get me out of this. I talked to at least 3 people at the school about my mood. It didn’t make the situation easier, but at least someone knew what I was going through.
The thing is I really do love teaching. But I’m not doing it to the best of my ability. That’s what hurts me. I told my admin this, and she said, “you won’t be doing the best you can do.” And that told me, then “why the hell am I still here?” That kind of helped me put it into perspective. I need to leave before this job kills me. I need a teaching load that is not as heavy. I mean come on seriously? Everyone is different. And that’s my other dilemma, am I just whining? One of the older teachers here said, “you just gotta suck it up.” And that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Take it a day at a time. It’s all anyone can do. Can’t be a quitter. Gets you no where.
The two weeks that followed the first week were tolerable. Maybe the kids just had a good week which made mine a little better.
But today, I had to deal with a kid. And it took something out of me. I feel sad again. I feel like I’m back in that sad first week bubble again. It’s probably cause it’s the end of month 1 and only nine more left to go.
I have to leave. I have to look out for my own well being. This will be my last year here. And that breaks my heart a little.